Moods that take me and erase me...

I just finished watching an Irish film called 'Once' and it really moved me with its music and the relationship between the main characters... something subtle and so human in how we connect. Love that doesn't fit into any category really, just love. Beautiful music. (Hello Breeda, thought of you when I watched the film). Have the words of the main song in my mind now and thinking about my day.

Two of my close friends have provided me with amazing information about their lives today: One friend is in labour and is giving birth to her daughter right about now, the other has just had a job offer that will change the shape of the next few years of her life (at least). I feel so moved by the journey I am on and the journey of my friends. There are moments in my life where I just feel amazed and awestruck by the really human things: the joy I feel for both friends and how I know their lives will be different from now on. The compassion I feel for my own journey right now, even and especially when things are tough. There is so much more to learn and experience here. My eyes are continually opened more and more to the real pleasure in life, in knowing others, in getting to know myself.

And today I accomplished all of my goals: got all the work I needed to done, went for a walk (as per new year's resolution 1) and meditated (resolution 2). Now I just need to sleep well and with cat snuggles.

A bit better today, thanks x

And out of all these things I've done

Kidney Vetch: anthyllis vulneraria. This one found when I was in the Hebrides in August. Just thinking about wild flowers again and how much I miss seeing them in winter. Woke up this morning feeling utterly exhausted and the first thing I thought of was my time in the Hebrides. It was so unbelievably tiring to get up there, a 24 hour journey each way by land (and sea) and yet being there was one of the most rejuvenating things I've ever done for myself. So I decided to drag myself out for a walk or really just a wander around the local wild area. As I walked I realised that there were very few green things let alone things with bright colours. Green things: nettles, grass, more nettles... So I looked at trees instead of the usual looking at flowers. Close examination of bark and twigs. Then I wandered home again.

I had such an exhausting day yesterday I feel like something huge came along and knocked me right off track and today I'm still trying to recover from that. One thing I'm learning...though very slowly...is how much energy it takes for me to do any kind of deep emotional work. I think the underlayer of energy that I usually have to keep me going when I'm tired is just eroded lately. Even though xmas contained some very lovely sleep. So trying to nurture myself and find out what that even really means. Today it has meant a tough choice, a saying no to something I really wanted to do this evening, an event with friends and poets. But I just don't have the energy in me to get out of bed or walk to the station. All I want to do is wrap up warm and fall asleep. Maybe dream of wild flowers or islands rising from the sea like a mirage.

With tuppence for paper and strings, you can have your own set of wings

Taking a few days out in a New Year visit to a dear friend and I'm catching up with myself and chilling out properly. Not only am I getting work done for my PhD, I'm also watching some telly (Mary Poppins) and continuing to eat luscious food. And I am keeping up with my two resolutions: meditation every day and a good walk.

Today I finished reading Alice Oswald's stunning collection, Dart. Years ago I heard her read from it and over these years I've dipped in many times but I'd never read it through until this week, start to finish. I feel enthralled with the idea of writing part of my PhD thesis on such amazing poetry. There are pretty much no words to describe how sorrowful, how celebratory, how moving and wild the voices of the river are, but here is a very brief quote from my favourite bit...

o I wish I was slammicking home
in wet clothes, shrammed with cold and bivvering but

this is my voice
under the spickety leaves,
under the knee-nappered trees
rustling in its cubby-holes

and rolling me round, like a container
upturned and sounded through


Today's Remarkable Things

1). Watching the rain pool and eddy in squared shapes on the neighbour's patio

2). How late I can sleep in the morning, left to my own devices

3). reading about a drowned canoeist in 'Dart' and then an hour later seeing a headline on the news about a drowned canoeist

4). Toast with honey and goat cheese

Yummy day

And things we're all too young to know...

New Year, new start, new approach. New Year 2012 began with a change of plans. Instead of the party I had intended to go to last night, myself and a friend headed into the city for a meditation evening. Though I hadn't yet thought about the best way to ring in the new year, as soon as this idea came up I knew it was where I needed to be.

The candle-lit, warm room held our thoughts, our chants, our letting go of the past year. Someone read a quote by Goethe that was especially poignant--

Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back...the moment one definitely commits oneself, then providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one's favour all manner of unforeseen incidents and meetings and material assistance, which no man could have dreamed would have come his way. Whatever you can do, or dream you can do, begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it. Begin it now.

This year I have committed to having a meaningful and nurturing relationship with myself. To look after myself and do what I need to find peace, happiness and grounding. To start saying 'no' to things that don't support that way of life. To stop the chaotic busyness. To notice the remarkable things every day.

Today's Remarkable Things

1. Diagonal rain pelting my neighbour's roof and, unseen, my own roof too.

2. Pumpkin and chocolate cake with Chinese tea.

3. An empty sofa on which to read poetry.

4. The end of the holiday season is just the beginning of a new way of life.


Happy New Year